The Biggest Regret
by loveischerrie
Summary: Misa wished she liked herself a little bit better. Maybe then, she would have allowed Ryuuzaki to look at her the way he did. LxMisa


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The Biggest Regret

a/n: Final installment of The Biggest Fan

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Misa did not ever really hate him. No, she didn't.

Granted, she found him annoying, perverted, and a bit too frustrating, but no, she never hated him. Truth be told, she was rather in awe of him most of the time. Especially when they first met. The name that glowed above his head was pretty, but when he was introduced as someone else, she knew that this man was L. The L that her Light hated. Therefore, no matter how much she wanted to say the pretty name--wondering how would it sound coming from her lips--she kept silent.

"Light-kun, I'm jealous." That's what he said. And he was a fan. That she remembered.

Secretly, she was pleased. Not only did she attract normal men, she managed to be alluring to someone as eccentric and as brilliant as _Lawliet, _who was L, was just plain flattering. Amazing that he found her attractive.

The amazement stopped when he grabbed her ass.

Oh, and arrested her.

* * *

Misa realized she was secretly an exhibitionist when she was captured.

And she also secretly realized that L was the world's biggest pervert.

She could not believe that he was being so unreasonable as to install cameras everywhere in the beginning. After awhile, they became mundane, as annoying as a small ant, or a small piece of fabric on her clothes. They were a part of her life now, and the cameras came with Ryuuzaki. Therefore, he was part of her life.

At first, she was careful where she changed clothes. Then, later, she thought nothing of it. She changed wherever she damned well pleased. If she needed to change a shirt, her bra was visible to the camera. If her skirt needed to be removed, out came the panties. But she figured Ryuuzaki had no interest in things like girls changing clothes.

Yet, there was the one day that she caught him raking over her. A look that almost said...

A look that said...

Well, a look that said, "I saw you half-naked."

The weird part of it all was that she was not mad.

And she never stopped changing in front of the cameras.

* * *

"I could actually fall for you?"

Misa froze for a second. Those were his words. Truly, they were his. Briefly, she pictured standing next to him in public, pointing at a purse on display, begging him to buy it. She imagined his face become annoyed as he bit his thumb, a habit that she found unattractive, but would not change if the opportunity presented itself. Misa almost laughed aloud when she thought of the how he would respond. _"There is a 68.7 percent probablity that this purse will not match anything you wear." _Something not so serious.

Maybe, if she were a better person, it would have worked. Maybe if she were just a bit more confident in herself, and liked herself a bit better, it would have worked.

"Let's not go that far."

Misa was an incredible actress. No one could have even detected the small break in her voice when she spoke.

* * *

There was a book that Misa read when she was really small, back when her hair was black, and home was Kyoto. It talked of of many things moral; who was truly good, and who was a hipocryte. It talked about the good, and the bad, and how good people always suffered. But later, they were rewarded.

The book itself was very interesting, and full of stories that seemed almost like fairy tales, but Misa believed them all.

There was one syory about a king, who was wise. He was given a problem; two women claimed to be mothers of one child. The king had requested the the baby to be cut in half, and given to each mother. One mother accepted it gladly. The other cried and denied to being the mother and willingly was going to give the child to her rival.

The king declared the crying woman the mother.

Misa hated to admit it, but she felt that if she were asked to be cut in half, Light would agree to it.

Ryuuzaki would be the only one to cry.

It was a sad truth that she denied for a long, long time.

* * *

She fell asleep in the main investigation room once, waiting for Light. She woke up hours later, and Light had already retired to his own room. Ryuuzaki was the only one, facing the monitors. She shut her eyes, not wanting to be awake and alone with him. They were never together alone, adn this did not seem like the time to start.

As she feigned sleep, she felt a pair of eyes watching her. Inside, her heart beat too fast for her liking. The eyes disappeared, but a warm blanket had covered her. He watched her the entire night, but during his watch, he briefly kissed lips.

It was so short and chaste, that it would hardly deserve the term 'kiss.' But it was sweet and tasted of strawberries.

Misa always suspected that he knew she was really awake.

* * *

"Did you really mean it, when you said you were a fan of Misa-Misa?"

Misa already knew the answer. He was. But he lied anyway.

And she went along with it.

She wished she hadn't. She wished she would have called him on his lie. She wished he would tell her sweet words, as sweets as his food preferences. She wished that she would have given him a small chance; a chance to allow him to look at her the way he did without having to hide. She wished she would have allowed him to say the words he wanted to say, to allow him to tell her his true name. She wished she would have handled things differently.

She wished she would have proved to him that she was truly a good person. She wished that she liked herself better, so that she could see how much he loved her.

So when he died, she would have cried more.

Days after, a small package was sent to her from a place called Wammy's. The box had strawberry-flavored hard candy, and a small picture of her from years back--back when she was first starting to model.

A small letter revealed that Ryuuzaki, Lawliet, carried it in his pocket.

Misa decided to mourn. She ate each strawberry hard candy and did not even think about how many calories she was consuming. Instead, she used her brain to think about Lawliet, and the life she could have lived, and the lie she chose instead.

_Good-bye, Lawliet._


End file.
